Pressing on to 2014!

As I look back to the past year, I see that there are more than a few things that I wish I had done, things that I shouldn't have, stuff that were better left unsaid, words that should have been expressed... And things that I wish never happened...

I will not try to redeem the Time lost to wrong choices or choosing not to choose (for even in things beyond our control, there are choices to make). Even if I wish to do so, I would not be able to make up for lost chances anyway. It was never my role to be redeemer. Instead, I will deliberately chalk it all up to learning. Such as learning about forgiveness and starting over...

"If God can forgive me and is ready to give me another shot, why do I waste time making all sorts of excuses instead of moving on and not making the same mistake again?" 
~from http://flipfloptrekker.blogspot.com/2013/01/not-quite-vanity.html

New year spells fresh start, pressing onward, never backward...

"Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." ~Philippians 3:13-14

Yes, I choose to press on. To persevere. And also, to be grateful. Grateful for family, grateful for second chances, grateful that a new year is about to begin, grateful for what 2013 has been and has given. Grateful even if the past year has also taken much.

The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.”~Job 1:21

As the midnight hour approaches, it dawns on me that Wishing is for the past. It is with Praise and Hope that I'll look forward to the new year.

Hope that God’s grace will see us through another year just as it carried me and our family through the past year. It’s the moments when I tried to walk by sight and not by Grace that my steps faltered. So I’ll start this year with a simple prayer that God will give us His constant grace to live by Faith.

For we live by faith, not by sight. ~2 Corinthians 5:7

I look back once. Then move forward. And I will remember to always look Up.

Not-quite Vanity

I have this nonsense notion that I can't share photos I took of myself recently without looking too vain. Yes, I did say nonsense so don't get offended (you who might have just posted a few of yours). Maybe I'm just not used to posting photos of my face (just my face, minus companions/picturesque background) anymore.  Come to think of it, my profile pictures since the start of the post-Friendster era are all cropped versions of photos taken by other people and wherein most of the time I'm originally with someone else. It just struck me as odd since a few years (?!?) back, I would not really think much of taking a posed shot of myself and well, posting it over the internet. These days, the more candid (but not too candid as to have lost all semblance of "poise"), the better! I think this is not such a bad thing. It probably means that I'm a more "deliberately spontaneous" person.

But since I want to post some photos of myself that are not at all candid, I needed an excuse. While racking my midnight brain for something I could write about that would not make me too involved (that I'd end up writing til morning), I stumbled upon a random thought. A thought that has occurred to me several times before but haven't had the chance to write down.

I have a tendency to need to feel justified. I have the urge to explain myself, to lay out my case. When no one is even asking. Hahaha. I will elaborate on this some other time (I'm starting to live healthier now and healthy people sleep not too long after their bedtime. Urmph.). Just to "resolve" this thought somehow, wanting to justify myself is something that I have to battle with now and then. But thank goodness I can do battle. Because of simple truths I learned way back.

One, that I am already justified. I have been made right. Even though this does not exactly refer to not needing excuses to post suspiciously-vain-looking pictures, it does apply to the things that really matter. Like when I mess up and can't get over it. If God can forgive me and is ready to give me another shot, why do I waste time making all sorts of excuses instead of moving on and not making the same mistake again? Hmn.

And another thing that would automatically come to my rescue is a catchy line that I learned in college. Nothing to prove, no one to impress. Uh-huh. I have nothing left to prove. Actually, I can't prove anything if I tried. All that matters has already been done. Finished. Jesus already did what he needed to do to make my life matter. I can't add anything that would make it matter more. If I somehow make a disaster of things, it doesn't make me matter any less to Him. What a comforting thought. That I'm living my life not to perform for Him or anybody, but just because. Because He designed me to do whatever I'm doing, because He placed in me these passions. Because He wants me to share in the joy. 

For some who might happen to read this, I might be speaking in riddles but to some who somehow read through all my blabber, I hope you're reminded of these simple truths too. It makes me breathe easier each day :).

Oh by the way, after mulling over the random thought, I lost some interest in posting my pictures. For no other reason except I took too long to do it. But I'll post them anyway. If just to remember that day when I spent the whole day at the beach, went home with stiff muscles, flushed face (nicer word for sunburned), gritty sand all over, and yet with better-than-most-days hair. 

“Of brides, wedding planners, and finally meeting Him”

"When I stand before Him face to face one day soon, when I meet His eyes for the first time, will I experience a memory in that gaze? Will there be familiarity? Will the intimacy that I have known with Him in this life of earth resound with real substance through the corridors of Eternity? Will I know Him?"                                                                                                                                                         
    ~from Deep Unto Deep, Dana Chandler

I have always thought that seeing You face to face will be like coming home after a long, long time, after a lifetime in fact... This passage made me think deeper and think back... Back more than a year ago when I had these insights on weddings and engagements and shared them to a few girlfriends who would have not minded getting a multi-frame text message about random thoughts:

(This is of course not the original text message since this is heavily rephrased and paraphrased due to naturally imperfect memory and elaborated to lengthy proportions due to the natural effects of staying up late.)

This life is not merely a thing to be endured until we go on to the next. It's not as if we hold our breath, going all cyanotic up to our hair-ends, just waiting to release it when we finally meet Him. But sometimes, we act that way. Maybe it's just me but, some of us Christians, think of Heaven as a reward after a long life’s work. Now, I do not dare say it isn't the gem-walled-golden-streets-gates-of-pearl paradise it's said to be in the Bible. But that's missing the point. The reward is not Heaven. It's just where He lives. 

I would rather liken this life to a sweetly lengthened engagement. A time of anticipation and longing when the bride-to-be knows she is “Taken” but has yet to be with her bridegroom. The season of getting to know the passions, the desires, the life-breath of the One she loves. Of drawing closer and closer to His heart, straining to feel His heartbeat, yearning and waiting... A season of courtship.

This is a time when I, the bride-to-be in this story, get busy preparing for that day when He comes to claim me. Until then, I get absorbed in the dailyness of life, in cultivating the dreams He put in my heart, in doing the things I believe He would be pleased with, in making myself worthy of Him (!). Yes, I do not need to earn His favor because it is already mine ever since I said "Yes" to His grace. But sometimes, I can't help but try to show myself off. I try to prove, mainly to myself, that I am called. That I am His. Trying to prove that I am worthy to be called His.

If you’re wondering what it is exactly that I do, I’m talking about working for His love. I never went through the going to church for appearances’ sake phase, but I had this long season when I strived to satisfy my longing for Him by doing the work I believe he has prepared for me to do. Sort of like, being my own wedding planner. There’s nothing wrong with being involved in the details of one’s wedding but when the bride-to-be exhausts herself too much that she just wants it to be over and done with so she can rest after the wedding, then there’s a problem.

            

         Like any other unmarried woman who dream (or even spare a thought, for those who wouldn’t admit it) of their own wedding, I never imagine myself as a marathon runner or a reluctant jogger dressed in sweats who made it just in time to sprint down the aisle. I always thought I would walk (no, not step-close-step, just walk) gracefully and maybe a tad nervously to my bridegroom. Now where did the marathon runner come from? That disheveled and huffing state is sometimes (okay, most times) how I imagine myself while going through Life as I know it.

I exhaust myself, vehemently denying it, up to the point when I need to hang on to flimsy threads of the Passion I know He gave me. To my limited logic, I believe He will enable me and empower me because He wants it done. That last statement sounds dangerously close to what an employee would say about a boss so I know I’m in big trouble at this point. And then I catch myself desperately (but still trying to hide it) holding on to what little joy I have left. The wedding is starting to look like a hazy light at the end of a tunnel instead of the picture-perfect sunset-at-the-beach it’s supposed to be.

It is also at this point when I slack off; when I realize I care too much and do too much. The logical progression of this line of thinking is that I am not appreciated enough so I better just stop trying too hard and show some indifference. Even with my shallow understanding, I know He is not pleased with this attitude so like a petulant child, I gulp the bitterness in and go back to work with indignant pride. On the outside, nobody would know that inside I have my chin two notches higher, my lower lip thrust out, and my eyes… sad and a little angry. I have lost my Joy. And needless to say, working without joy kills the Passion too.

            

            I don’t give up without a fight so I try a last-ditch effort to give myself a second wind, by foolishly trying to remind myself (obviously, I try to help myself too much) that I love what I’m doing, so I am joyful. And the pitch becomes, I have to do this because He has called me to do this so I’m doing this for Him. Nothing explicitly wrong with that entire argument, except that there are too many words between “I love” and “Him”.

            

           I do love Him! I still come into His embrace. But only long enough to be comforted. I do not linger to wait for Him to whisper those things I profess to seek. Great and unsearchable things I do not know. The greatest of which is the simplest of all: that I have forsaken my first love. I did not at first want to admit it. Because I would never forsake my First Love. But I did.

               

           I come to Him as if on an obligatory visit, pausing only long enough to make sure I have my daily dose of His anointing (in my own measuring cup). I would then wriggle out of His embrace to do my Life Work, maybe no longer disheartened but not with a burning heart. 

            

        Like those hardworking and persevering people in Ephesus and those lukewarm people in Laodicea, I have loosened from Your grasp. My heart was no longer captured by You.

 With these tender musings, practical wisdom graciously dawns on me, I realize that I should have realized that if I spend all my time and energy on preparing for the fabulous wedding I’ve always wanted, where did the courtship go? Wherever it went, along with it went away the excitement and anticipation.

It is at this point that I realize that the wedding after all is not that important. It is going to happen in the grand scheme of things and I must be involved in it somehow. But, I might barely make it to my own wedding if I kept on planning and preparing for it. When I should be preparing for Him. I know He wants me to be involved, He wants to share with me the joys of His heart and give me the royal privilege of walking in His name.

However, He yearns that I work with Him not for Him. There is indeed a fine line between these two and for me to daily commit myself to working with and not for Him, my heart has to be captured again. I have to be captivated by His beautiful Love once again.

So after all these realizations have been pondered and marveled upon, what do I do?

I go back to preparing for my wedding.

I do what I have to do, still. I do not stop working. But this time, as you and You know I will say, I have my Joy back. Not because I looked for it and found it but because He fills me with it every time I stay a little longer in His embrace. I feel it bloom in my heart every time I linger for a few more sweet seconds in His grasp.

And I can go on minding all the details of my wedding preparation, knowing that in the end it will all fade into the background as I walk down that personally-designed garden aisle, my eyes fixed on Him who waits to finally claim me as His bride. With a faithful hope in my heart that He knows me, that He has known me. And yes, I know Him. 

Uber-Excited Facebook Note Dated December 17 to 18, 2011

          I was ready to hit the sack as early as 8 PM. That would be five hours ago. Obviously, I'm still up (Just so you're sure I haven't developed a knack for doing-FB-while-asleep-when-I'm-not-exactly-a-whiz-at-it-even-when-I'm-awake). 

         Because of that long sentence, you had to take a breather, so I'm starting a new paragraph. Now, why indeed am I still awake? Well, I could chalk it up to that coffee I drank at about 9 PM (since I could not possibly miss out on a dear friends' after-wedding party and I’m sure glad I didn’t. By the way, it was a blast). However, I still stand by my theory that coffee only has an effect on me psychologically, that is, if I let it have an effect on me. I call it "authority over caffeine". (Did I hear anybody say “Whatever”?) 
       
         Before I lose myself over that altogether different topic, I have to go back to the question. If it isn’t the coffee, then it’s probably my natural inclination to stay up late. That would be a valid explanation, too. Except that, I have decided some months ago that I will take advantage of the natural spa treatment good ol’ Sleep has to offer which runs from 10 PM to 2 AM. Since it’s a time-limited offer, I usually grab only about a couple of hours of the body cells’ rejuvenating period. My naturally, erm, deep-set eyes need it, my concealer tubes run out pretty fast. 

         TRIVIA: Did you know that the word “concealer” is not in MS Word 2007’s dictionary? But it already is in the 2010 version (as of posting this one-year old write-up). I know because it drew a red squiggly line below the two words I just wrote. The word is listed as a noun for “conceal” in dictionary.com but it’s not defined as having anything to do with make-up, though that verb serves the purpose for the dark shadows under my eyes.

         Now you might be thinking if I lost my train of thought, but, no, I naturally think that way and I actually think it’s normal. So, then, if I know the value of sleeping at least by midnight, then why am I burning the 2 AM oil? (Not really sorry for the pun, but it’s not intended. I’m trying to be accurate since it is after midnight. Ha.) I have forfeited another night of skin and bone rejuvenation. I sure hope it’s worth the dark circles tomorrow. To be straightforward about it (and you’re thinking, so you can be straightforward?!)— I think, it is worth it. It’s worth it because (wait a minute, my heart is actually beating a half-beat faster)…
        

        … 



         … 




        Now this suspense is overly dramatic for anyone but me so I better blurt it out.


        I want to write again.


        I mean, really write. Not “pour-out-my-emotions-and-then-I’m-done” write. Not “I-should-write-‘coz-I-used-to-write-didn’t-I” write. But: “Write-because-I-have-something-I-believe-is-worth-writing-about-and-it-just-has-to-be-written”. Write, or else not do anything else at all because I really have to write! I want to write again, just as I used to want to write. (Have you ever written the same word again and again until you begin to wonder if it is really spelled that way? Crazy, I know, but that happened to me just now and I had to double take on the word “write”. Haha.) 

       Now, if that isn’t news for you and you’re thinking “why did I spend precious Facebook time reading this”, it’s one of two things: You’re not used to hearing, er, reading me chatter when I’m so outrageously excited. The other is, I’m supposed to limit the accessibility of this note to those who would kind of understand (operative words are “kind of”) what in the world I’m talking about. But I failed to do so ‘coz as I mentioned in this (what!) 563-word-and-counting litany, I am not quite the Facebook whiz.


       TRIVIA #2: Did you know that Facebook is also still not recognized in the MS Word 2007 dictionary? Oh you did? Well, I was surprised it wasn’t. BUT, it is accurately defined in dictionary.com, even the verb form, both “with or without object“! Example, “I Facebooked some photos.” and “Does your mom Facebook?”

       Nevertheless, I apologize to the one or two person/s who might have endured through that probably-confusing slide and tumble of words. However, I just want to set this one thing straight: I AM glad (relieved, joyful, pleased, gleeful, thrilled) to have written ALL that. I’m glad I could write again. I’m glad that I know I will write again soon (hopefully, it will be a bit more coherent). Without fear in my heart that I will not be able to finish it (Another story coming on that). And with just the right amount of desire that people would want to read what I’ve got to say. And the thing is, that longing to “be read” is not what motivates me to write but the belief that I have got something to say and I want to write it down.

       If you weren’t confused earlier, I might have succeeded at making you bewildered after that paragraph. If it’s any excuse, that elaboration on my joy at finding the desire and will to write again was an attempt to make it sound more intelligent (no?) but actually the I-hope-it-finally-hits-you message is this: I am terribly, inexcusably excited because I am writing again!

       Having cleared that up, I have to draw to a close, somehow. You know, relieve you of your misery if you were courageous or curious enough to stay with me this far. I will close with a prayer.

       A prayer that, “Lord may you give me more grace to fan this flame to write. I am convinced that it is part of Your design of me. I want to write as a useful tool in Your Kingdom-work. I want to write to honor You. My Dream-maker, grant me the grace to fight for this desire to write. And I already pray for the next thing I’m going to write about. With your grace and inspiration, I will keep on writing! In Jesus’ name.” 

      P.S. The topic I had originally planned to write about before my excitement got the better of me and I end up with this 928-word-and-still-counting written monologue is actually the original thought that moved me to sit down in front of my laptop and open the Facebook Notes page. The second subject matter was actually the first thing that came to heart when I started to putter through those first few lines. Because I have to succumb to slumber now, that subject will be the next thing I put on black and white.

      P.P.S. It’s 3:59 now so I guess this entire thing took me about two hours. If you still haven’t realized from how I’ve sort of kept tabs on my number of paragraphs and now a Time Check, these all goes to show that I am ridiculously tickled over the reality of writing again. And by the way, the tentative title of my next note is: “I am never enough for Christmas but Christmas is more than enough for me”.